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  • Writer's pictureNick C. Goins Jr.

The Pissed Take - Madame Web

MADAME WEB -or- MADAME, THOU DOTH SEEITH THIS MOVIE IS SHITE, METHINKS AKA Sony is trolling us, right?


Release Date 14Feb2024


This movie blows a kennel of dogs. For real and for true. Thanks, Chris Rocco!


This movie is very loosely based on the Marvel comics character Madame Web, created by writer DENNY O'NEIL and artist JOHN ROMITA JR. Cassandra Webb is an elderly clairvoyant and precognitive mutant stricken with Myasthenia gravis, a neuromuscular disease. She appears usually as a supporting character of SPIDERMAN, using her powers from her specially built web-shaped life support system.


This movie dispenses with any notions of fidelity to the source material, instead digging deep into the bowels of Gehenna for some straight up, studio note choked, AI sharted f#ckery.


No spoilers. I'm not going to waste your time trying to summarize this bag of pickled testes. I will instead humbly suggest some fun alternatives that'll prove a better use of time.


1. Shove a pipe up your bum. Be a popsicle, popsicles are fun!

2. Lick a porcupine. Enjoyment for both!

3. Volunteer to be a pinata. You can't beat that!

4. Run yourself over with your car. Don't have one? Borrow one!

5. Befriend a family of Silverback Gorillas. Smack the baby Gorilla. Die!


THE GOOD:


HAHAHAHAHAHA! NO!

THE BAD:

(Takes deep breath)

Everything they did here is wrong, I just want you to know this. The actors look either bored or disinterested (except ADAM SCOTT, who is trying. IDK), TAHAR RAHIM spends the movie chasing his own voice as well as the leads (WTF, ADR), the effects look like a PS3 cutscene, the music is forgettable, the action and editing is frivolous and unexciting, and the story is clearly a calloused dry-wank onto ChatGPT. Hell of a theatrical feature debut for Director SJ Clarkson. Oh, my damn.


SEE IT:

NO!


DON'T SEE IT:

Correct.



Madame Web Poster with Madame Web and a bunch of other people. This movie sucks. Avoid it.
Madame Web Poster

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