NOSFERATU -or- THE BITE-MAN COMETH... FOR YO GURL! AKA Almost there…
Release Date 25Dec2024
This movie is OK, but forgettable.
NOSFERATU (2024) is the fifth film of the same name, starting with the famed first "Nosferatu: A symphony of horror" by F.W. MURNAU (1922), JOSE ERNESTO DIAZ-NORIEGA's satire - a dubbing called "Manuscrito encontrado en Zarazwela o Nos fera tu la pugnete" (1977), WERNER HERZOG's reverent remake "Nosferatu the Vampyre" (1979), a crowdfunded remake starring DOUG JONES (2023), and now this one.
This film, with no rights issues, recognizes Murnau's work (Plagiarism), and the source material: DRACULA by Bram Stoker.
If you've seen the original or the Herzog version, you've seen this one. There is a substantial (next to the others) amount of violence, fluids of varying viscosity, gyrating, and a couple of breasticle shots.
If not, here's the skinny - no spoilers: Girl gyrates while having visions of f#ckery and the dude bringing the f#ckery. Her dude (or dude to-be) is off to bum-f#ck-a-vania to make that paper, but she says "Don't go... let's bang instead". He goes anyway (dumbass) and begins his journey into 2 more hours of a remake that adds little new to a well worn tale.
Enter the F#ckery.
Filmmaker ROBERT EGGERS has made an attractive, but ultimately vapid movie. I didn't hate it, but very little is done to pay off the many good ideas that are presented to add something to what is ultimately a pretty dead-on remake of the original. Giving a bit more meat to what is one of the '22 film's strongest points, the greater agency given to the female lead of the story, left me wanting just a bit more.
Fealty to the abstract, dream-like quality of the Herzog and Murnau films takes steam away from the attempts to give the story more heft. It rushes through what is generally the best part of Dracula (or it's adaptions) - the bit in Dracula's castle. There is a fair bit of rushing that kills a lot of the tension, dread, and horror the movie is clearly going for. This is certainly the most energetic of all the adaptions, but this often came off to me as spastic and self-indulgent on the part of the Director.
I have seen some folks refer to this film having a certain sexiness to it. Those people are f#cked.
Ultimately, I felt no connection to the characters, and thus no real connection to the story. I was reminded quite a bit at times of 2023's "Last Voyage of the Demeter", another film that would have benefited with a stronger, more consistent narrative.
THE GOOD:
Director Eggers loves him some period movies, and 1830's Germany never looked more... 1830's-ie. The director and DP are nerds for cinematic techniques, and this very apparent in the way the images where capture for this movie. Impressive. His films have a look, for good or ill, and he sticks to it. The makeup effects are top-notch, as well as the visual FX (though CG blood still looks the way dog-farts smell). There are some scenes that have superb atmosphere, though ill-maintained. WILLEM DAFOE is easily one of the top 3 best things in this movie, and besides a fully committed performance by SIMON MCBURNEY, the best performance.
THE BAD:
MF'n JUMP SCARES. This movie starts early with them, and frankly they cheapen the movie. EXORCIST 3 is a masterclass in how to do them correctly that should be heeded.
THE MF'N SCORE I can't remember watching a horror movie in recent years that has a memorable one. Certainly not this one. MF'N ORLOCK I did not care for the design, or the performance. A let-down for me and a bit silly. Snidely Whiplash lookin' MF...
MF'N CARDBOARD CHARACTERS I gave no shites for anyone on screen. Most of the performances (Messrs Dafoe and McBurney excepted) are rather flat.
TOO MF'N LONG! This thing would have gone over better with me cut down 30 minutes shorter.
Not a horrible movie, but not one I have an aching need to rewatch anytime soon.
SEE IT:
(Shrugs) Why not. It looks great on a big screen and if you spring for a showing with enhanced audio, a pretty sweet presentation. Otherwise... STREAM, HO!
DON'T SEE IT:
"Terrorists" have taken control of Nakatomi Tower. The situation is dire. They're well armed, lead, and motivated. Alone in the air-ducts, all you've got is your trusty berretta, a lighter, some smokes, testicular (Ovarian) torsion, and explosive diarrhea...
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