GLADIATOR II -or- FIGHT MAYNE: ONE MO' TIME
AKA "There once was a dream that was Rome... it was OK, I guess. Maybe not."
Release Date 22Nov2024
GLADIATOR II (stylized in the credits as GLADIIATOR. Cute, no?) is the sequel to the five-time Oscar-winning Ridley Scott film GLADIATOR (2000). That movie was an immensely gratifying original story based on the death of Emperor Commodus by the wrestler Narcissus. In it, Roman General Maximus seeks revenge on Commodus for the murder of his family and Emperor Marcus Aurelius. Though it played fast and loose with history, it was a well-made movie from end to end.
This sequel... not so much.
Part 2, taking place 16 years later, concerns young Lucius Verus (who looks so much like my brother-in-law Kyle that, from here out, he will be called Kyle), all grow'd up and chillin' in Numidia with his wife, Arishat. However, Rome has sent General Acacia to invade Numidia by sea, and it's up to Kyle and Arishat to... fail miserably so Kyle can have something to get revenge for and set up the remaining two hours of f#ckery.
Two hours of "Meh" later…
Gladiator "Too" is perfectly fine for an early 2000s direct-to-video title or TV movie (it certainly feels like it). In most respects, it is a lesser work than the first one. With the exception of a singular performance by a veteran thespian electric-sliding in style towards retirement, this flick feels cheap (though it cost $250 million to make).
The period in which this movie takes place (between the Year of Five Emperors and the Battle of Antioch) had many far more interesting events to draw from than what’s presented here. What we’re given is a colorfully garnished yet tasteless stew that crudely rehashes the original movie.
Nick Cave (Yes, THAT one) once wrote a sequel with Maximus fighting battles through time. Could’ve been worse.
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THE GOOD:
DENZEL "MF'N" WASHINGTON lights up the screen whenever he enters stage. He carries this movie with an energetic and delightful performance as the scheming Macrinus. The naval battle in the Colosseum was pretty cool to see, especially as a history buff.
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THE BAD:
G2 wasn’t bad so much as it was "meh." The lead, played by PAUL MESCAL is servicable, but lacks charisma. PEDRO PASCAL is miscast. Everyone else is going through the motions. The emperors Geta and Caracalla are cartoon villains straight out of the late '90s. The action is uneven and strangely shot. The baboons didn’t look great. I'd have had another go at the story—so many missed opportunities. Why was Derek Jacobi even there? Lost in the edit? This movie was originally 220 minutes long.
I hate saying it—dammit—but... Hans Zimmer is missed here. The first movie’s score was superb (You too can get ONE thing right!). The sequel's score is unmemorable. I guess HZ was busy getting paid to blow out more eardrums for Christopher Nolan.
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SEE IT:
Perfectly fine accompaniment to your day-old, reheated popcorn. Might be better to... STREAM, HO!!!!
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DON’T SEE IT:
You wouldn’t be missing anything. The first one said all that needed to be said. Besides, performing random colonoscopies on the street is more diverting.
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