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  • Writer's pictureNick C. Goins Jr.

The Pissed Take - Star Trek: Picard (All Seasons)

Release Date 23Jan2020 (Season 1 Release)


STAR TREK: PICARD (ALL SEASONS) -OR- CHATEAU PICARD: SMELLS OF ASS AND TOE-JAM, WITH RASPBERRY NOTES *AKA* 2 seasons of the most horrid dreck, followed by an initially promising 3rd but ultimately (and equally abhorrent) catfish.


I have been trying to write this one for a while, but kept dry-heaving. I think I'm OK now, so here goes!


STAR TREK: PICARD is a 3 season misguided, excretable, imbecilic, waste of time and attention. Born from the modern media empire's need to "media universe" the left nut out of any IP that they own, added with the hubris of an actor who vacillates between loving and hating the character who elevated him above chewing the wrong scenery, and adding as initial showrunner a writer clearly out of his element. This show is/was the turd AND the stank.


I will briefly walk through all three:

S1. Picard is old and living on his vineyard, drinking wine and Metamucil, with a pitbull and two married Romulan caretakers (One who dies so Picard can GIT SUM with the widow in S2). In the time between ST: NEMESIS and this rot, the Federation and everyone else have become a generic sci-fi cliche, populated by generic cliches that are barely recognizable from anything that has preceded it. F#ckery happens.


S2. Things that happened in the previous season are barely mentioned as being of any impact. We are are then forcibly dry-thrust into a remix of "greatest hits" from ST... only if they were being recalled by a strung out, European Brook Newt riding a slow pony. Time travel and BS... f#ckery happens.


S3....starts out OK. It was rough, and a little too fan-wankie... but nice. We start an adventure that has intrigue, characters (especially legacy characters) that seem to be who they should be, a mysterious villain (Mystery box red flag), and a legitimate adventure beginning to happen. Then the mystery box begins to reveal itself, opening to reveal more mystery boxes - a sure sign of interference, ineptitude or both - one more inane than the rest, ALL of it ultimately resolves into what!?


F#CKERY!!! (and RETURN OF THE JEDI)


THE GOOD:

Season 3 starts off nice, until it shits the recliner. The Raffi character isn't annoying, and Michelle Hurd plays well with Michael Dorn's Worf. In fact most of the performances of S3 are miles above the amateur theater of the previous two, with some nice emotional moments early in the season that have genuine resonance. That is of course until it devolves into a manipulative, disingenuous swamp of SCHMALTZ.


THE BAD:

Pretty much anything outside of the little good that could be divined from this crap. QUICK QUESTION: Is it possible to fart fatuously? I think that may sum up this imbecilic, 3 season expulsion of vaporized ass. Sooooo dumb! The way the creators of the show, a band of hubristic twits, piss on the franchise, then left-turn into such a vicious dry-wank of its audience is so... you know what I don't care.


SEE IT:

DON'T! Don't give the shite-straining mountebanks the time.


DON'T SEE IT:

Yes.

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