• Nick C. Goins Jr.

The Pissed Take - Black Adam

Release Date 21Oct2022


BLACK ADAM -or- SUPER JOHNSON *AKA* Witness the white label version of a superhero movie! Huzzah! Excelsior... wait that's Marvel.

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This movie is a 90's superhero movie trapped in an early 2000's superhero movie... That's not the first 2 Batman movies, Blade, or the first 2 Spiderman movies. So, it kinda sucks.

BLACK ADAM is a DCEU movie of the Fawcett comics character Teth Adam or Black Adam. Created by OTTO BINDER and C.C. BECK for the debut December 1945 issue of THE MARVEL FAMILY, the character (along with SHAZAM and related characters) was acquired by DC COMICS in the 1970’s.

A gang called... INTERGANG has taken over NOT-EGYPT (Kahndaq) to exploit a special resource called TOTALLY-NOT-VIBRANIUM (Eternium), while looking for a mystical crown with powers and shit. A teacher caught in-between unleashes Shazam powered TETH-ADAM from his millennia long slumber, who then proceeds to DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON the fuck out of every scene he's in. Other characters from DC comics appear, and I don't care. Oh yeah, there is a kid who is TOTALLY-NOT-JOHN-CONNOR.

This movie is every superhero cliche wrapped into one 2 hr 5 min package, that can't slow down the bombastic 'tardness' down for one moment of character development. Yet another 2 hours of wavy hands, bright lights, and murdered brain-cells. THIS is how the Illuminati gets ya!

THE GOOD:

PIERCE BROSNAN... I've always liked him. I like when people I like get paid.

THE MEH:

Most of this movie is largely a room temp meh-patty lying uselessly on a bathroom floor. There just isn't anything really remarkable about it.

THE BAD:

Dwayne Johnson's natural charisma is out of gas, and can't save him with a one-note performance in a one-note flick. The audio/ visual presentation goes from hum-drum to WTF often, the costumes look cheap with the exception of DJ, the score is forgettable (as is the last minute villain reveal), and one feels as if something has been taken from them - not given, by the end.

MIGHT I SUGGEST ALTERNATIVE USES OF YOUR TIME?

Teach sea-shanties to blind children!

Adopt a wolverine!

Fight an office building!

Earn a doctorate in Thermonuclear Optometry!

Shave one side of your entire body!

Befriend a tire!

SEE IT!

Fine, see it. I don't care... heathen.

DON'T SEE IT!

If you're holding on to that last shred of good sense, humanity, and a damn fine plate of smoked asparagus.

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