The Pissed Take - The Eternals
Release Date 05Nov2021
THE ETERNALS *OR* MARVEL'S PRETTY NOTHING -AKA- This MF movie was eternal…
This movie nearly put me to sleep, and lulled me into such a soporific stupor, I'm only now commenting on it.
THE ETERNALS is the 26th film in the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe), now in its 4th phase, of which this movie is the second. It is also the first MCU to damn near knock me out smooth with boredom.
The Eternals, a race of extraterrestrial humanoids made by giant ancient super robots, were created by JACK KIRBY and made their fist appearance in Eternals #1 in July 1976. They were created to defend earth against the DEVIANTS who share a similar origin and serve as central antagonists. These Eternals who chose to stay largely out of human affairs, also form the basis for many mythological being around the world.
All that rot is basically in the movie version in exposition that seems to make up the bulk of the picture. Really, so much exposition…
CHLOE ZHAO, academy award winning director of NOMADLAND (2020), who apparently had an almost unprecedented level of control on this film, was the wrong choice to helm this movie.
Chloe Zhao's strength is illuminating her characters not just through deep dives into their core with deft and honest communication with actors, but by having the technical aspects fill in and enhance our subconscious awareness of on-screen events. All serve to create a raw, naked intimacy that is often missing from other would-be, dry wanking, "Auteur" director's output.
A smattering of this is lost under a mountain of exposition, dry uninteresting characters, nearly no wit, a plot like lead, an oddly desaturated look that deadens *a few* truly awesome moments in this movie, and a jagged randomness to the editing that often confounds.
This movie is long, and you feel it. I grew a beard watching this movie. (No I didn't. Just forgot I had one)
At a hefty 157 minutes, The Eternals is Marvel's second longest movie after Avengers: Endgame. You feel that shite early on.
SEE IT: ...I don't know. I just don't.
DON'T SEE IT: If you'd rather practice juggling hamsters in the basement with your cats.