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  • Writer's pictureNick C. Goins Jr.

The Pissed Take - The Batman

Release Date 04Mar2022

THE BATMAN -or- IT'S RARELY SUNNY IN GOTHAM CITY *AKA* You really could have chopped nearly an hour off of this one…

It was alright.

THE BATMAN is the 9th live action motion picture (not counting animated movies, and appearances in other movies) of the comic book costumed hero created by Bill finger and Bob Kane.

This movie is dour, grim-dark, and grimy as hell. Moving even further than the Nolan movies into the "Mor realz" ideology, and borrowing heavily from SE7EN, Batman: Zero Year, and Batman: Year One, this film has the caped crusader barely into his second year of costumed vigilante justice in rainy, shadow shrouded Gotham.

No spoilers, but here are my impressions.


This movie at least attempts to show the Dark Knight Detective actually detecting shit. I mean c'mon, at his core (and besides the great influence of THE SHADOW on BM's devopment) Batman is meant to be Sherlock Holmes with loot, a suit, and sweet ass gadgetry. This fact has been lost on most filmed adaptions of this character. The attempt was appreciated.

Pretty much everyone on screen is on point. Standouts are Colin Farrell as the Penguin, John Turturro as mob boss Carmine Falcone, an underused Andy Serkis as Alfred, Jeffery Wrght as Gordon, Zoe Kravitz as Selena Kyle, and finally Paul Dano as the Riddler.

The technicals are polished and the presentation is good looking, definately taking some cues from director David Fincher and cinematographer Darius Khondji's work on Se7en, diving deep into a neo-noir aesthetic that is appealing. A standout scene is an exciting car chase that is some sweet shooting and a welcome jolt of energy in a consistently grim picture.


This movie is 2 hours and 56 minutes long... I'm told a dry-wanking 4 hour cut of this movie was screened before being cut down, and I'm here to tell you those 56 minutes could have been lost without ill effect. This movie has flaws that might have been easier to swallow with a tighter cut, and you feel that extra runtime. This is often a sign of a lack of focus in a story, and someone unwilling to trim what is clearly fat. It smells of hubris (along with some social messaging as subtle as a bacon wrapped sledgehammer) and is this movie's biggest weakness.

A close second is Robert Pattinson as Bruce Wayne/Batman. His Batman is wounded and broken, fighting not for a greater good, but to fill a hole within himself. There is no charming playboy facade, this version is a single speed, 3 expression, emo, shell of human being that is tough to want to get into. The novelty wears off after the first half hour.

This almost one note performance, un-mysterious mystery, a clearly R rated movie wrapped in PG13, the most annoying Batman theme from Michael Giacchino, and a movie that doesn't know how to end - all do no favors for what could have been an interesting take on this character.

Also, stop trying to put these Batman movies in "the real world" and have them survive the shit this one did. In the really-real world you don't get Batman, you get Elon Musk.


If you're invested in this character and would buy Batman branded antifungal cream. It's flawed, overlong, not the masterpiece that some say it is, BUT not uninteresting. I'll probably watch it again.


If you're over another Batman movie, don't care for the genre, and you need to finish 3D printing that order of Cthulhu themed, glow in the dark merkins.

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