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  • Writer's pictureNick C. Goins Jr.

The Pissed Take - Morbius

Release Date 01Apr2022

MORBIUS -OR- BOREBIUS, the Boring Vampire *AKA* SONY corndogs the pooch, yet again.

MORBIUS, the latest reason for Sony to sell their remaining Marvel properties to the mouse, is a cinematic adaption of MORBIUS: The living Vampire. A MARVEL COMICS villain/antihero created by writer ROY THOMAS and designed by penciler GIL KANE.

Often an adversary for SPIDERMAN and BLADE, Morbius AKA Michael Morbius was a brilliant biochemist stricken with a rare blood disease who is changed, via failed experiment, into a transgenic vampire with all of the strengths and none of the traditional weaknesses.

Sounds neat, right? IT IS NOT!

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of mayo on white bread, like queuing at the DMV, cleaning your tongue, having to walk through Kansas, sitting in the waiting room of a Gastroenterologist, reading The Dubliners, like having a coloring book and only a white crayon, like wiping with commercial toilet paper, like working a toll booth, like pinching a loaf with no reading material, watching the Oscars…

Get the picture? BORING and slightly painful.


Michael morbius is a brilliant biochemist (because everybody says so and he turns down a Nobel) with a rare and fatal blood disease who wants to splice some bullshit with Costa Rican vampire bats to cure himself and his adopted brother.

He gets turned into a vamp, shit happens, and the movie is endcapped with two of the dopiest end credits scenes I have ever seen. SERIOUSLY, there is little to zero development across the board, JARED LETO is just... Jared Leto-ing all over the movie, MATT SMITH needs to have a chat with his reps, and everybody else just goes where the next crappy CGI bukkakke fest tells them to.

A LOT of expensive, derivative, frivolous, badly constructed, NOTHING.

Seriously - do not waste your time with this 75 million dollar urinal cake.

A short list of things to do instead:

Scrapbook pictures of leeches

Start a painted toenail collection

Rob a landfill

Defecate outside of a port-o-potty

Go streaking in a retirement community

Attempt to raise an army of cybernetically enhanced "Battle-Ermine"

ALL, are far worthier expenditures of time and treasure.

SEE IT: NOPE! Just don't.

DON'T SEE IT: Because it is really bad. (read the list above for alternatives)

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