The Pissed Take - Cats
Release Date 20Dec2019
CATS --or-- Singing felid death-cult -AKA- Get a root canal and a colonoscopy simultaneously instead.
Went to this with family after too few drinks, thinking that some laughs could be had. INSTEAD, what followed was 1hr and 49mins of pure, misguided, cinematic CAT-ASS-trophe...
Based on the bewilderingly popular, Andrew Lloyd Webber written, sung-through stage musical CATS - itself based on T.S. Eliot's 1939 "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats", the movie concerns itself with the JELLICLES, a london based, singing Felid death-cult, and their quest to find the one cat who will be allowed to ascend to the HEAVI-SIDE LAYER, suffer from hypoxemia, hypocapnia, alkalosis and then die…
New life or some shit.
Doesn't erase the stink of the mishagas that is the SW sequel trilogy or anything/one that's associated with it, but maaaaaan is it BAD!
Chock full of famous faces who somehow thought this was a good idea - including IDRIS ELBA.
Clean it up 'dris!!! The lead actress, Francesca Hayward, does her best and never, EVER, lets down that doe-eyed look of wonder. Jennifer Hudson has way too many close ups of snot pouring out of her nose - even singing the show's most famous number "MEMORY", an emotional song the rest of the story doesn't earn.
As stated above we had some drinks, thinking this sizzling shite-steak might make for a good time.
This was a mistake and I've not the stomach or will to try a stronger potion for a second viewing.
SEE IT: If you are either a masochist or hopelessly depraved (I believe my brother-in-law is the latter)
DON'T: If you value your sanity, your time and proper bowel function.
P.S. I'm still going to dunk on RoS and the rest of Disney's cinematic assery. SOON!